first time

[i posted this on an old journal over a year ago. at the time it was extremely difficult putting the experience into words. i've moved beyond this, but it still lives in my heart]

It's been hard thinking about this entry, but I feel obligated to deal with it now. Perhaps after I write this I can truly start to move forward... My first time has secretly been the happiest moment in my entire life. There was no Hollywood-esque glamour; no candle light or Barry White. He simply asked if I wanted to and I said sure. What I remember...

My boyfriend at the time came to pick me up for Thanksgiving break. My roommate had left in the afternoon, but I wasn't leaving until the following morning (ah the 9am kick out). I think we went out for dinner and then headed back so I could pack. I popped in a Disney movie to give me an excuse to ignore my empty bags. Probably mid-movie, we were lying in bed when he asked. I'd been wanting to for months, but it wasn't quite possible with him 3 hours away. The only thing that really concerned me was this would be the first time we'd be completely naked with each other. The whole experience would be a new level of intimacy and naturally I was self-conscious of my body... I remember it wasn't as painful as I'd expected, just this weird pulling (almost burning) sensation. He went slow and kept checking that I was ok. At one point, I thought about stopping, but I thought about the end and decided it would be worth a little discomfort. When we finished, I actually checked the sheets for blood. I was convinced there would be a ton (don't ask me why) but there was absolutely nothing. A few months prior, he'd actually torn my hymen while doing other stuff, but I didn't realize he'd completely broken it. No hymen, no blood, no freaking out about my favorite white sheets.

A little bit later, he asked if I was ok (yep) and then asked if I wanted to do it again (yep). Unfortunately for him, he'd only had one condom. So I sent my poor boy out into the snowy Huntingdon streets to get condoms from Big Sheetz. After 40 minutes I freaked out that he'd driven in to the side of someone's house and called. Apparently, not only did he get lost going to the Sheetz, but he'd driven the wrong way on a one way street coming back. He got back with a mini pack and we joked about me trying to explain to his mom what happened had he not returned safely. We didn't immediately go for it again, but we eventually did it twice more and still had enough energy to watch Beauty and the Beast. By the third time, there wasn't a weird burning feeling and my orgrasm was more intense. I'm sure anyone left on the floor heard me...

The next morning is what makes this... I finished packing (finally) at 2 or 3 am and we somehow managed to both sleep in my dorm bed semicomfortably. I woke up first and took a moment to think about the silly snoring boy next to me. Looking at him, at that exact moment, I absolutely knew I loved him and I would never love him more than I did then. In the very next heartbeat, I knew it was over. Something had changed and we would never work out. But I tucked those feelings away and got ready to leave campus.

Two weeks later, he ended it.

I'm not upset about the way things played out. The end would've happened at some point no matter what I did to stop it. I was lucky enough to have one final special moment before it did. I don't regret a single thing about that night... well maybe sending him out into the snow in the middle of the night... I'm glad my first happened when it happened with someone I cared about and who cared about me. Part of my feelings about it are rooted in my views on sex/sexuality. I make a conscious effort to avoid the cliches of sex because I don't believe in many them. If a person chooses to have intercourse, to me that's all it is. I don't think you're any more or less of a person, and I don't think you're losing a piece of yourself in the act. My virginity was not something I cherished; I didn't hold it close to me or flaunt it around. Yea it was mine, but there was no war or invasion to claim it from me. It was simply something I no longer needed to have in my possession, and I wanted to take the next step in my relationship.

My choice to leave the "V-club" was not hard to make; I know and respect that it's not easy for everyone. My only warning to those who haven't made it, the decision is twofold and both pieces are equally important. The decision to have sex is a huge hurdle to leap, but once you've decided you can make the jump, you have to think about who you can jump. In my opinion, the first time will make or break your sex life. But I also believe that when you embrace your sexual self (and aren't just trying to prove a point), the universe (or higher being of your choice) will hook you up with what you need.

M