ghosts

i thought i saw one yesterday... the ghost of my ex *dies*
i've had this small fear of running in to him since N and i moved back in march. the ex's mom lives about 15min away from where we are now. it's totally possible that he could be in our neck of the woods on a regular basis (he's a huge mama's boy). every so often, when i see a car similar to his, my heart stops. i also hope a smidge that his car will careen into a ditch and burst into flames. or at least not be heading the same way i am... it's not so much the running in to him as the reaction to running in to him that i fear. what would i say? how would i act? would i even acknowledge him? would i want him to acknowledge me? would it bring back all the (good and bad) emotions of last year? it makes my brain hurt

i also secretly hope, in the event our paths intersect again, that J is with me when it happens. i'm a bitch, and i would totally flaunt my happiness in his face. he left me so it's my right to show off how much better i am now. i know he was seeing someone a little while ago (thanks, facebook), but that doesn't really matter. i doubt, in the last 14 months, that he's changed or grown as a person. and knowing him, it won't last unless she has the backbone of an ameoba. i know i haven't grown immensely, but i have recovered a lot in that time frame. the relationship kicked my core in the teeth. however, pulling those pieces back together wasn't as hard as the first time i had my heart broken. maybe it was because i had some practice. maybe it was because i have amazing friends. maybe it was because i didn't let myself dwell on it. whatever it was, it allowed me to remember who i am, refind my center and move forward

then one year ago, tomorrow, i randomly messaged someone who's made me laugh, orgasm and swoon ever since :)