lacking?

so there's been no anal in the last couple months, and i'm starting to feel a little guilty. it's hard to make it a once a month thing when you only see each other once a month. and sometimes during those visits i'm not in the mood, still remembering the ouch or so bloated/gassy i could float away. i never really give J an explanation; i just state clearly that my ass is off limits. do i owe him an explanation? should we discuss this more thoroughly? does it really matter that anal's off the table more often than on? i get the impression that J is disappointed when we don't go there. granted, i told him before it was not an every time thing. that includes all anal penetration. yea, it can be nice, but i really don't want to every single time. partly because he can get carried away and hurt me. he does, however, respond very well to an "ouch". partly because i freak out about sanitation and make him wash his hands immediately after we're done. i don't want him touching anything (me, the sheets, whatever) until he's touched some soap and water. partly because he gets more out of it than i do. yes, i have orgasms from anal stimulation, but not solely from anal and not from the entire anal area. if we go penis in ass, i never feel quite finished. it's kinda the same way i feel about being on top. if i'm at just the right angle, he'll be done in minutes and i won't have even peaked... and now i'm linking things. since the moratorium on anal, J hasn't been on top once. no, doggy doesn't count... i wouldn't care except, before, it used to be almost 50/50

i'm not dissatisfied with our sex life; i'm annoyed. not quite sure what to do with that. feeling guilty about the lack of anal sex is pushing me further towards annoyed. it's self inflicted guilt, but i have a knack for displacing... i guess i'm just curious as to what changed, when and why. cause i'd like my predictability back

[babe, i know you're gonna read this and get all poutyface. we can talk about it; just needed to brain dump]