coming clean

the jig is up! sorry, friends. living my crazy life doesn't leave much time for blogging my crazy life. only a few more weeks until the semester ends. then i'm gonna try to blog what the hell has been happening. if i can get my shit together, i'll be back on the regular (sorta)

reflecting

(so maybe i'm sort of dead...) i'm always suprised when i respond to the question "how long have you been together?" because it seems like it's been forever. it also seems like i was just driving up to PA for the first time, nervous and excited, last weekend. we're coming up on two years, and i honestly don't know where the time has gone...

     trips up and down 83/backroads for birthdays, holidays, long weekends, moves and just because
          late nights talking about nothing and everything
     rocking out in the car on our way to concerts, the movies and the farmers market
          nooners
     lunch and dinner dates
          cooking together at home, finished off with fresh baked goodies
     hanging out with my family with a bushel of late season crabs
          bedtime sex
     minor disagreements
          passing out on the couch
     gaming, reading and napping
          morning sex
     skype dates keeping me up past my bedtime
          heated arguments
     snuggling til i fall asleep
          being too tired for sex
     meltdowns over school, friends and us
          football trash talk
     dreaming about our future
          waking up in the middle of the night for sex
     cooking out with friends
          shared indignation for the stupidity of others
     venting about work, school and life in general
          all the sex
     planning for things to come

i'm not known for my long relationships so i'm constantly amazed by us. looking back on my past, i know i haven't been the easiest person to date. i'm clingy, pushy, hostile, unaffectionate, obsessive... i've been blindsided by break ups. i've ditched guys because i wasn't willing to give my whole heart. i've been left behind because i was too stubborn/reluctant to pull the trigger

since then, i've learned and grown. i started truly focusing on myself. i stopped forcing the universe to meet my demands. suddenly, there's a new guy in my life, and i am increasingly happy. happy with the person i am and with the person i'm dating... sometimes that's what really surprises me. for all the ups and downs of the last (nearly) two years, i am the happiest i have ever been :) there are no happy endings. this is the happy beginning of the rest of my life

not dead

um so yea... where the fuck did the last six months go? short answer: grad school, a side project and general laziness. long answer: holy shit WHERE DID SIX MONTHS GO?!

finished last semester fairly well. classes started back up at the end of august, and i've gotten my shit mostly together. i helped a friend start a business, which is on course *fingers crossed* to start work with our first clients. i spent most of the summer doing fuckall. it was fabulous. the only thing that could've been better was seeing more of my honey. i spent a lot of weekends catching up and hanging out so we couldn't always sync up. fortunately, we got a few long weekends thanks to holidays :)

things have been happening, and i plan to start sharing again. i just need to remember y'all are here ;) thanks for sticking around (and hello, new followers!). i won't make any promises, but i'll try to get back on the bloggy wagon

hiatus

i had planned to write an actual post today, but a funny thing happened. i completely forgot what i was gonna write. ok, that's not funny or strange. but it is what happened. so i'm just popping by to tell you, i am on a break. midterms were last week, and they kicked my ass. this week has been better, but i'm still tapped for energy (and interesting things to say). next week is spring break so i'm just gonna dial it back on everything. heh maybe after this weekend, i'll have some more fun (or just relationshipy) things to share ;)

hope y'all have a fabulous weekend!

kiss me

i love love love kissing. making out can be better than sex sometimes. no lie. i generally judge the attractiveness of men by whether or not i'd make out with any given one. my darling boy? yea, i'd keep my lips smooshed on his nonstop if i could. kisses mean something more than sex and can convey a lot more too me

hesitation. aggression. determination. despiration. experience

a kiss should make you weak in the knees. it should make your thoughts a little cloudy. it should be comfortable, natural and all over swoony

the first kiss is always special; for me, it's now vital to everything else. my first boyfriend was hesitant. i know i should've just kissed him, but i was hesitant, too. he was my first first. in the parking lot of a pep boys, which still makes me giggle. kissing him was so addictive he once made a joke about magnets in our lips... my second boyfriend wasn't much different. but i was far less hesitant going in for the kill with him. on two separate occassions, my college roommate walked in on us making out... random hookup #1 and boyfriend #3 were both aggressive and sloppy. they have a few things in common, but the biggest difference was underlying meaning. one lacked experience; one was desperate. in both cases, i brushed it off and neither situation ended very well. lesson learned... my other random hookups didn't send up any red flags. granted, in one situation i was inconsistent in my desire, one i was too drunk to care and one i was too distracted. and then came J...

the first time he kissed me was so gentle and sweet. it was slow because he was being polite. i melted completely. the second kiss was a bit more determined, and we ended up in bed. every kiss after that has been so lovely. however, nothing will ever compare to the one that swept me off my feet. i started falling in love with him that moment, even though i didn't realize it

via we heart it

crazy blind date

i was reminded of my only blind date while listening to the radio the other day. a guy called in to win a contest and sparked a conversation about dating. they met online, and he believes he was misled. so he asked their server to split the check. the radio host thought the guy should've paid, but was still jealous that he didn't. the conversation went on and on, with new callers and amongst the hosts. thinking back on my date, i couldn't help but smile. it was a ridiculous date, but at least i got some yummy tots

we met on crazy blind date, which is run by the okcupid peeps. i think cbd is hilarious; might as well call it what it is. i got a response, and figured it was worth a couple drinks. i brought my A game: skinny jeans, boots and new top with a hint of cleavage. we met in the city (cbd is location specific) at a bar he chose. walking up to the bar, there was a group of guys near the entrance and a lone guy. i just knew the lone guy was my guy, but i ignored him anyway. he was reading a book, and didn't seem to be paying attention. i knew then it was going to be a one time thing. who brings a book on a date?

he was tall with dark hair and glasses. loose fitting jeans, non descript shirt and ugly jacket (yea, i judge). he called out to me as i was texting him and walking in. had to continue to pretend i didn't know it was him (yea, i play a few games). sidebar: cbd had a setup that you could contact each other without providing info. send a text to cbd; they'll forward it to your date. good for "hey i'm late" "i just grabbed a table" "gotta cancel" notes pre-date. we had an awkward hello, went in and grabbed a table. he ordered a meal; i only got tater tots. we both had beers

the entire conversation was kinda awkward. he rolled out the mega nerd pretty quickly, but was interested in nerdy things that i couldn't care less about. LAN parties? uh no. i mentioned the book right? sci fi novel. ugh i hate reading sci fi. plus he kept talking about his family. which wouldn't have been terrible except at one point he said "my mom has started asking if i'm gay". LOL i'm pretty sure that's something you shouldn't mention on your first date. especially to someone who's gaydar has been pinging since you shook her hand

we ordered a second round. mostly because i needed another drink to keep chatting with this guy. the place was starting to get busy though, and i was itching to leave. halfway through my second glass, i headed to the bathroom. naturally, i took my phone. i can pee quickly, but you don't know that. texts to the bestie were necessary. totally told him that i'd bring the guy home... for him, not me. he wasn't unattractive, but he definitely wasn't dateable... while i was taking a moment, our server swung back around. so when i got back to the table, he said he'd asked for the check already

"i had her split it. i got the food if you'll get the drinks and tip"

uhhh excuse me?! i had every intention of paying for my drinks and tots. i didn't want this guy thinking this was going somewhere. even if he planned to pay for all of it, i would have offered (insisted?) that i pay for myself. what pissed me off was that he a) requested this when i was away from the table without even asking me first, b) assumed his split was equivalent and c) asked me to cover tip on an unknown amount. he gave me a rounded number, but i didn't actually see his check. i totally counted it as a strike

then to round out the lovely evening, we walked around the circle for a couple minutes before deciding to head to the metro. unfortunately, we were taking the same line for a few stops. ugh more small talk. thanks to the flow of trains and people, we couldn't exchange numbers when he got to his stop. he, however, mentioned that the system allows you to send contact info after a date. whatever, sure, i'll do that when i get home

i spent the rest of the ride texting N. got home and filled out my little post date survey. nope, not compatible. the next day i received an email about exchanging info. after much deliberation, i said sure. he was still a nice guy. however, i never heard anything back. bitch shafted me! i still wonder if he picked up on my no way jose vibes or if he wasn't interested in me. i prefer to think the former ;)

petnames

i have nicknamed almost every guy i ever crushed on, hooked up with or dated. only for use when talking with friends. only one of my boyfriends ever gave me a petname. i used my first petname with the guy i dated before J. and i still kick myself for it

D and i dated my freshman year of college. he was my rebound; it only lasted two months. it was a fun two months, but i knew it was nearing its end the day he said he thought he might be falling in love with me. i panicked. he was a super sweet guy who i probably could've fallen for. but i wasn't over my ex and knew i'd only end up hurting D. so i broke up with him. in the parking lot of my dorm building. i'm a bitch... we sorta rekindled our friendship/relationship months later. that also turned out poorly, and i wound up writing a passive aggressive post about him on my old livejournal. i'm still a bitch. i actually favorited the post response he wrote about me because he called me an "ice queen of a bitch". it was kinda true... i used to miss him because he was a great person. then i missed him because i never apologized for being so horrible to him. i still remember some of the silly things he used to say when we were together/still talking. one of those things is his silly petname for me: kitten. short for sex kitten. because i was apparently that sexy

i met P at the beginning of 2009, and we dated for nine months. at some point, i started calling him honeybear. everything about our relationship was big and fast. i kept saying it could explode at any moment, only partially believing it. too bad i was right. that much intensity can't last. i thought i loved him, but love doesn't make you doubt yourself every moment of every day. a text and two phone calls later, we were broken up, and i was sobbing in the parking lot of my office building. classy. bear was so fitting for him. he mauled anything in his path that threatened him. i used to tell him "i don't want to talk to you when you're being a grizzly bear" because bear was the key. i should've known better, but i'd lost myself. and i ruined a great petname in the process

J has a petname. i'm rather fond of it, but sometimes i think honeybear would be more fitting. not because he's a raging asshole like P, but because he's big and snuggly like a pooh bear. however, i refuse to recycle petnames because of the memories (good and bad) associated with it. J doesn't have a petname for me, but a tiny piece of me thinks he would probably use kitten. partially for the sex kitten reference. partially because i'm so cat like sometimes (and he's a closet cat lady ;)). i'm always nuzzling up to him, marking him as mine. but i think it'd make me uncomfortable to hear it from him, reminding me too much of D. i don't particularly mind not having a petname as i still love my own name; i just find it interesting

do you have a petname for your significant other? have you recycled a name?

how do you sleep

this article was published last week. at first, i found it amusing. then i found it annoying. J sleeps on his back; i sleep on my stomach. sometimes i snuggle up close; sometimes i don't. i am not a sleep cuddler. i tend to get too warm, and prefer not being touched too much while sleeping. J also radiates a lot of heat. we'd both be sweaty messes if we slept tucked in to each other. plus we wouldn't be able to sleep because we'd be too damn hot. add to that the fact i'm a bit of a mover. it'd be extremely frustrating to be woken multiple times to stay cuddled because i shifted again. i never wake up in the same position i fell alseep in, but at least i stopped kicking people. lastly, my darling boy and are disproportionate in size. our bits cannot be lined up perfectly without someone (mostly him) being horribly uncomfortable. we're both not fans of sleeping on our sides so there is no classic spooning through the night

i like that when we get in bed, he throws an arm out so i can nestle up to his side for a bit. or sometimes, i'll curl up, hugging his arm and rubbing my noes on him like a kitten. sometimes we'll just lay next to each other, holding hands. the intimacy isn't dwindling, i'm not submissive and i'm most certainly not being neglected. i feel secure and loved. i love those quiet moments, when we're just lying together. before he makes his move. before our faces meet in the dark. before physical need consumes everything. it's those little moments that define our relationship and fulfill my soul's needs. just before he says what i already know. just as i'm drifting to sleep. just after i wake up next to him. all those moments are filled with love

he's my big spoon regardless of actual spooning. how we sleep is not a reflection on the state of our relationship. it simply reflects my need to contort myself in awkward ass positions, while staying just the right temperature. reading anything more in to that is just silly :p

not grandma's house

sometimes you have an itch. sometimes you can't self satisfy that itch. sometimes you drive over the mountain and through the fog to get a good scratch...

so i met this kid online randomly when i was bored. he went to a college "nearby" so we had something to chat about. one thing led to another, and we decided to meet. he didn't have a car on campus so i drove the hour and a half to him. i packed an overnight bag "just in case", but left it in the car. didn't want to be presumptious... or had an easy out if he turned out to be no good. we hung out, watching a movie in his dorm room. i put on my best coy face, and we started making out. it was decent, but tottering on too aggressive. no big; i can work with that. naturally, i got his pants off. and i had my first hesitation

damn those are tiny balls

like seriously, almost nonexistant. if i'd been at the right angle, i could've gotten both in my mouth with room to spare. unfortunately, we were making out on a bean bag chair (yea. awesome college "furniture") so i couldn't really test my theory without being super uncomfortable. i got him off, and we started another movie. i was impressed enough with his dick to stick around for more. we climbed into bed... literally. he had the top bunk... and started fooling around again. turned on? check. condom? check. not in danger of rolling off the top bunk? check. excellent; let's do this :)

...

um... who ordered the jack rabbit? ...oh, you're done?

worst. fuck. ever. he was done before i even got started. i don't even think i opened my mouth, and i'm a squealer. good thing the lights were off so he couldn't see my wtf face. then he had the nerve to ask how it was. i think i grunted a fine, rolled over and went to sleep. being the nice person i am, i hung around for a bit the next day. however, i was not too concerned a few days later when he figured we shouldn't date. i forget his stupid reasons, but my pussy was happy

until i had an itch... and he was available that summer... so at 1am, i drove over my absolute least favorite mountain, in the fog, to meet him at his parents' house. i thought i was gonna drive over the side of the mountain and never be heard from again. what a way to die... en route to a booty call. because, apparently, i'm the boy in this scenario so have to do all the driving. once again, i should've known better. he was being shiffty cause his parents were home, and i couldn't be seen or some shit. so i met him behind his house, we drove down the street to find an empty parking lot and fucked in my backseat. the sex was worth it this time, and i actually got off in the parking lot of a laundromat. i think i even complimented him on his improvement. we chatted for a bit before i took his ass home *sigh* what a girl does to get laid. at least i can say i've had sex in the backseat of a car. cross that off the list :p

a week later, he was talking again about how we couldn't be more than friends, he was getting back together with his girlfriend blah blah blah. i liked him, but not that much. i was more pissed off by being his distraction while his (ex)girlfriend got space or something. i temporarily blocked him from my AIM cause he was getting on my damn nerves. when i eventually unblocked him, he'd reach out every six months or so "just to say hi". yea... ok *ignore*. at some point he stopped trying, and i stopped mocking him with my friends. now i can congratulate myself on not being so fucking desperate for a fuck to the point of ignoring all the bullshit... but damn did i have some interesting sexventures in college

anal play

luring you in just to cop out :p this article was posted to the men's health blog a couple weeks ago. a few pointers for anal sex

1. no pressure
2. lubricate
3. use condoms
4. go slow

i would say "duuuuuuh", but we know i don't always adhere to my own advice. so this is just a reminder to everyone, myself included. now go play nice